your parents love me but you hate me
Jerry, you need to find god
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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