i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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