Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
