Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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