I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
