The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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