I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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