I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize