I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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