The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
