I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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