U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize