so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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