I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will die if light touches me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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