I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
