The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
