i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
