You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Randomize
