Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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