I am midnight drunk by noon
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
His hands were made for my vagina.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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