see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
