Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
