do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize