The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
