totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
