You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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