The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
