so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
