as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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