I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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