im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
