My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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