Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They took my balls.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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