Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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