I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
