I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
