I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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