I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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