and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
