I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
