You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
