Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize