so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
