this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
