Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
