i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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