Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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