I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
