Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
