are you so shy because you have an std?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
