4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
