Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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