I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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