: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
