Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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