This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
