I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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